Monthly Archives: February 2018

Home is Where the Heart Is

Collage

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Brittany and I finally got our act together and asked Matt, the worship pastor at our church and all-around tech guy, for help getting the slide-show, plus the goofy videos of David put on YouTube. He’s calling it “David Collage.” Brittany and I were thinking that some people might appreciate a bit more context for the video clips, so see below for that, but if you don’t care or can’t wait, here’s the link: Click here. 

Be sure to keep watching when the slide show is finished — there’s a black and white slide that lasts about 20 seconds before the videos start. (It was a nice way to end the slide show during the celebration of life, where we didn’t show the videos.) The slide show plus the videos were playing all evening at the reception, so you may have already seen this. The whole thing is 13:41, and the videos start right about 8:11.

I love the slide show, especially with the music (“Save a Place for Me” Matthew West and “Leave This World Behind” Third Day). It really is a collage of David’s life, although we couldn’t put in every photo we would have liked to include. Here are a couple of photos I received too late:

David with Tom and Christy French at Sunapee

Really, there are so many more photos, but thought I definitely should share these two of Tom and Christy French with David, since they are a couple of our dearest friends, but I didn’t find any photos of them with David for the slide show until Lexi sent me these a few days after the final version was done. Oh well.  I promise we love you, Tom and Christy!

Brittany and Chelsea were especially good at trying to catch David on video once his cancer was diagnosed in August of 2016, and we happened to have a couple of earlier ones from other family get-togethers. Here are the videos you’ll see:

The Wheelchair Race — May 2013 — This was an interactive station in a children’s museum, I think in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Notice how the adults are TOTALLY into it. I especially love David’s delight and Felicity’s cheerleading.

Dark, Dark Place — Thanksgiving 2016 — Courtney had teasingly drunk the last of Chelsea’s favorite wine, admittedly out of Chelsea’s glass, which may have crossed a line. Oops.* Chelsea . . . was . . . well, not amused. Since Courtney’s humor had backfired, she was feeling down, so David was trying to cheer her up when Chelsea came over to join the conversation. Once David started his melodramatic retelling, it had to be caught on video.

*Postscript: This bit of strife did eventually lead to the most amusing and memorable Christmas gift of 2016: One dozen bottles of Chelsea’s favorite dry Riesling, all individually wrapped in various sizes of boxes and bags, so they looked like they contained anything BUT wine. They were all gifts to Chelsea, but every single bottle had a large sticker on it saying “Courtney’s Wine.”

Jimi Hendrix Tribute —  A few days before Christmas 2016 — This was a gift Chelsea and Brian bought for his toddler niece and we were all laughing about how much the parents were going to HATE it. Definitely love David’s guitar face and head banging. And of course the laugh.

Pressing Your Luck — Christmas 2016 — Brittany was sneaking this video, so had to slowly ease the phone into better position without David noticing. Brittany’s dog Bega is not actually allowed to jump or climb up on people on the couch, but somehow manages to broaden the scope of permitted behaviors every time she stays here, hence the “pressing your luck” question.

2013 New Year’s Eve Ball Drop — In this video we’re helping Courtney move into her condo, where as you can see, she has no furniture yet. But it’s New Year’s Eve, so we’re trying to make the best of it. There was no TV, so someone had the bright idea to have our own ball drop, hoping for a dramatic shatter at the bottom. This is what happens when the ball is tiny and plastic. Brittany is trying to videotape while keeping time, then chasing the ball, then helping hold the ball. Maybe you had to be there, but this one still makes us laugh.

I Love You . . . . .  — Thanksgiving 2017 — David is noticeably weaker here, but still making us all laugh. Chelsea had wanted a video of him telling her he loved her, but he said it before she started recording the video and she asked him to repeat it, so he’s teasing her a bit by naming EVERYONE in the room, except her.

And how well he did love us all. 

And how much we love him still.

One of the definitions of collage is an assemblage of diverse elements in unlikely or unexpected juxtaposition. Doesn’t that sound a lot like life? What a privilege to share so much of mine with this dear man.

Hard Road

Going . . .

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I was originally planning to call this post “Going Solo” but then I realized that wouldn’t really be true. It turns out so far my life has not been that solo. Yes, I miss David like crazy and I’m alone much of the time, but I’m in regular contact with family and many friends.

Brittany, Courtney, and Chelsea at cousin Amy’s wedding this past August — As you can probably tell, it was a classy affair!

I also have my various clubs–book club, piano, French–although I’m not quite ready to get back into the full swing of those yet. I’m scheduled to start a three-week “newly bereaved” group on Tuesday and some individual grief counseling on Wednesday. I get six free sessions of counseling if I want them. It’s all part of David’s hospice care. It wouldn’t surprise David at all, but does me a bit, that one of my most pressing desires is to know “how to do this,” as if there were a manual I should be following. David always teased me about wanting a gold star all the time, and it’s true I was a very good student and got used to following instructions and being rewarded for it. Since I don’t have the energy right now to fight my basic nature, I went to the library, checked out a stack of books, ordered a few others online, and have been reading like mad. And it has actually helped. Apparently everything I’m feeling and doing, like sometimes speaking to him as if he were still in the room, is well within the range of standard grieving. I know I don’t need permission for how I handle this, but it’s nice to have it anyway. Courtney sent me this quote the other day:

We must do what we need to do. Those who disapprove will either come around or stop coming around. Either way, lovely. ∼ Glennon Doyle Melton

I hate to dispel the image that I’m super strong and always cheerful and grateful, as my daughters seem to believe me to be. The fact is, sometimes I am. But sometimes I’m not. When I opened WordPress to write this post I found the beginning of a post I had written on the 6th of January, but never completed. Since the 7th was the hardest day I’ve had so far, I understand how this one slipped away from me. But I find it interesting to read what I was processing at that time. I have to say, nearly a month later, it’s still true:

It turns out grief requires staying in the present moment as much or more than living with and taking care of a loved one with a terminal diagnosis. I have to keep saying to myself, “Are you okay right this minute? Yes? Okay, then.” If I start thinking about anything but right now, I’m instantly a hot mess. Even sorting through a pack of coupons for local businesses has landmines — a simple offer for a favorite place we used to go provides a surprisingly sharp stab. But right this second, I’m okay.

Since the 3rd of January was my first evening completely alone, it was certainly a very fresh pain at that time. Which brings me back to NOT “going solo.” The celebration of David’s life and the reception directly afterward here at our home could not have gone as well as they both did without so many dear ones giving so generously of their time, talents, and even freezer space.

Once again, I find myself so grateful for so many. The flowers alone were absolutely stunning and a few are still hanging on and bringing me joy more than two weeks later.

I even love that this one ornamental branch (bottom left photo) has actually sprouted new leaves. How’s that for a metaphor? I will be okay, and it is in part thanks to you dear ones.

One example: At the last minute on the day of the celebration of David’s life, I realized I had no flowers at the house, something I rarely let happen in any case–I love fresh flowers–but it was definitely NOT what I had intended when I was about to host 250-300 people. All the beautiful bouquets that had arrived shortly after David died had finally needed to be tossed. But all the new ones arriving were at the church. Courtney mentioned to a cousin that I was a little stressed out, since I now had that on my list to accomplish along with everything else on the 19th, and this cousin instantly said, “I’m on it.” Within an hour, three absolutely stunning arrangements arrived and could not have been more perfect. Thank you, Maren! Of course, I didn’t manage to photograph them in their initial perfection, so you’ll have to take my word for it, but parts of all the bouquets are STILL beautiful and I am so very grateful.

Still beautiful a week later!

Then the bouquet above became a lovely arrangement of greenery. And even after the greenery has to be tossed, I’ll remember the kindness of those who sent these.

So, no, I’m not going solo. I’m simply going on.