A New Year

I almost let January get away from me, but here I am.  I haven’t forgotten you, my dear ones! I/we had a number of significant anniversaries and firsts to get through on the wretched grief calendar, but they’re all done now, at least the first anniversaries of all the hard stuff. I’m officially into my second year of widowhood. Yippee.

Happier days: David and Sunny — On our way to France for the first time — September 2011

It turned out the 26th of December was the hardest one-year anniversary, surprisingly. Neither Christmas nor the 27th was as tough, I think mostly because both those days were spent with plenty of dear ones close at hand. The 26th was quiet and I spent possibly too much time alone, remembering David’s last full day with us, the last time he spoke, the last time he told me he loved me–in person anyway. I still hear him so clearly sometimes.

Then the first couple weeks of January I was kind of in a funk, not that I ever love January. Once the anniversary of the celebration of David’s life (January 19) was past, I started to come out of it. I really think that was the last of the “firsts.” I’ve heard from a number of widowed people that the second year for them was even harder than the first. That the first went by in a blur, and the pain really set in the second year. Yikes. I don’t know if these were people who suffered very sudden, unexpected losses, so had that also to deal with, but the first year for me was plenty painful, and not really a blur, not from this vantage point at least.

So I’m cautiously optimistic that the worst is behind me, not including the occasional stab out of nowhere. Those still happen. I still sometimes weep all over friends at church, and the other day, I felt ambushed at the doctor’s office when I had to update my emergency contact info. That was emotional enough. Who is 100% available to me in an emergency, like David was? No one.  Everyone else has things to do. Places to be. Then I was faced with David’s name in the spouse blank, which I was NOT emotionally prepared to erase, so I didn’t. I did delete the phone number for him, but then the system wouldn’t let me go on without his phone number.  The receptionist was understandably startled when I stumbled back up to the front desk, sobbing, and basically hurled the tablet at her and said, “I am NOT doing this now! And probably not next time either!” At least she offered me a box of tissues. That was kind.

Mostly since Christmas I’ve been spending a lot of time writing for the eight-week workshop I’m doing in Denver, and at the moment I’m working on a memoir of my life and adventures with David, so we’ll see how that goes. It feels right and good to write it, no matter what I eventually do with it.

It has me reminiscing about so many of our adventures. Since I haven’t been out with my camera in a while, I thought I’d share a few photos of other winter days, other places. Remember this?

Sunset on Folly Beach – January 2015
Foggy Folly Beach

Folly Beach! How we loved walking that beach! We would get back to the condo with pockets full of shells, all sizes. I still have them all over the house, reminders of our grand year of adventure.

This January, I’m soothed by warm fires and beautiful sunsets, although Fort Collins doesn’t offer anything quite like this.

Sunset over the Sound — Outer Banks, North Carolina — November 2014

Or this:

Key West Sunset Cruise — February 2015

I offer them to you here as a mini-break from winter, which is truly horrendous in many places at the moment. May they soothe you as well. But if you can manage it, GO! Folly Beach is fabulous and Key West is wonderful, weird and WARM!

Here’s wishing you many wonderful adventures of your own! I promise mine are not over yet!

12 thoughts on “A New Year”

  1. The sunsets are beautiful, but the picture I most like from this post is the one of you and David. His blue shirt and the joy on your faces makes me smile, and simultaneously miss him so.


    1. I remember the sunset cruise in Key West vividly. What a beautiful ride and such a fun time with you and David. It makes me smile to remember it, and him.

      1. Ha, ha. Our boat that looked like a giant toaster out there with all the sleek sailboats! Still super fun, even though we persuaded neither David nor Tom to join the conga line!

  2. Mine was a sudden loss, and I think you’re right about your friends. But it is your journey. You must determine how to continue, remembering he wants you to be happy. It’s been 15 1/2 years and I still have surprising moments of reminded grief, usually out of the blue!
    You looked wonderful at the French club party, and I feel confident you’ll carry on, and even enjoy life more and more. Best of luck!

  3. I too, LOVED the sunset photos but the one of you, and your beloved husband, brought tears to my eyes………you look SO happy and luckily, you didn’t know what lay ahead of you!
    I hope 2019 is a little easier for you Sunny!
    Love, Arla ❤️

  4. Beautifully written! Every walk we do on Lemay, our eyes automatically go to your home and we wish you blessings with this very difficult loss. You are so correct in the fact that the loss of David will always stab back when you’re finished with a family event and sitting back to relax. Your love of each other was so strong and true.
    Loved the photo of you and David! ❤️

  5. Such great memories AND photos! It’s time to charge up the camera batteries and start shooting again!

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